Najois

“I wanted to abort you, but your grandmother opposed herself to that. So I was forced to have you. And while I was pregnant with you, my mother too was pregnant at the same time. Your cousin accidentally had jumped on her belly, while playing outside, and she miscarried. So I asked him to also jump on my belly, hoping it would cause me to also have a miscarriage. Alas.” 

All in good fun and laughing about her revelation she blurted this out to my 10 years’ old face. 

10 years is a little too young to understand the foolishness of a rebellious teenager that got pregnant by another stupid teenager. He ran away. Which is the type of abortions men get to carry out.
I still loved them after that for many years. 
10 years is a little too young to understand how damaging living with people that hate you would be for my future life. 

How much I would hate myself, no matter how many gifts I was born with. Because I was thought that my existence was unwanted and needed destroyed. And I needed to be reminded of that every time she beat me instead of hugging me.
How much I would be attracted to other people that hated me or others secretly, because that is what I knew. Most of them hated themselves in all truth. Alcoholics, drug addicts, grandioso’s, liars and cheaters. 
Those were my people, until I realised I would not save my parents through other dysfunctional humans. That this was not the way, but just how my brain was wired.

Which again caused the self-hatred.

Today I am a woman. I am not always wise, nor am I always kind, but I damn too well know the dirt that lives in those fabulously charming humans. The filth carried around by those you admire. 

But hey, photos with a filter are way nicer to look at. Sweet lies are more palatable than the moderation of reality. I see your selfies everyday. They make me sad for you.

So what’s under those bright smiles?

Mine says: “happy birthday, kiddo, you managed to survive, and even strive despite the odds. You are not what they say about you. You are you. And you is you. 
You don’t need anyone to understand you if they won’t.”

It does because I know that true love is on the way. I just know.