Najois

At a very young age, I have been brought to the belly of the beast. My flesh was tainted, soiled and burnt.

The lord of the underworld, ruler of the death and overlord of eternal life taunted my very early existence. And this poisonous bite would gloom over my life for many years to follow.

I couldn’t understand why I had to be the recipient of this evil, and wallowed in self-pity, resentment and sadness for the longest time.

‘Nothing is given to you that you cannot bear’.

I was dealt many cards. Too many cards for my small hands to carry at the time. But I kept hanging in there. And never let go of my stack.

Indeed, I am not the one to give up. So I fought. Tirelessly and aimlessly. All the battles I attracted were infused by the abyss. The bite mark of darkness attracted similar foes.
Until one day, the day I couldn’t and wouldn’t handle the battles outside any longer. So I turned inwards. I fell into a bottomless pit. Voluntarily. I didn’t know why, but I had no choice.

In this pit, all the shadows and voices of the past came to life. I could see them. Clearly. And I started to see myself when the fog dissipated. I started to see my own humanness. Flawed, monstrous. Yes, we are.
Like a true human being. I started to see the entire spectrum. In its’ cruel, yet true substance, as opposed to the idealistic fairy world of a victim.

Because I wasn’t a victim. I had been the recipient of a true blessing. They call it a blessing in disguise. But maybe true blessings are always in disguise. As opposed to poisonous gifts.

I could see clearly that, I too, given the circumstances, could be able of the worse. In order to test your faith, at a certain moment you need to loose it totally.

That cold place is where I learnt about humans, and the choices we make. Our ignorance about ourselves. Our idealistic, yet unrealistic view that evil is ‘The Others’. How, high up on our moral horses, we feel superior to evil. Because, fearishly, we simply do not understand what evil is.

Today I do not know my finality. But I do know that those that like me, have been tainted by the morsel of the devil, are not doomed. In fact, they are given a unique opportunity to see above and below. In the flesh.

And if willing to face the devil in the eye, and accept the ‘necessary evil’, they are gifted with the immortal soul of a fearless warrior. Because you know what evil looks like. And you’ve conquered the first and most important battle.

The battle with the devil within.