Najois

Last night, before going to bed, I had been reflecting about my enormous willpower and desires confronted with my need for discipline and moderation.
It is not a sudden reflection, I have been observant of this for quite some time, but at this moment, I feel the need to work on balancing these two poles, that seem to be irreconcilable.

The brute force of the warrior against the strict inner wise man.

How to manage great strength, so it becomes a tool, instead of a madman creating destruction and terror.
How to make sure my inner disciplinarian doesn’t become a tyrant, by holding everything in a grip of steel.

My last thought before closing my eyes was: ” Let me have experiences that help me to avoid burning my wings all the time, and yet be fearless. But not too dramatic.”

This morning, I felt like opening the windows to let the air pass through and clean up.
I have flower pots in front of the windows. While opening the window I thought briefly to myself: ” With this strong wind today, I might want to remove them, so they don’t fall on the floor.”

Despite my cautionary thought, I still opened the window, without removing the flower pots. When I came back into the living room, the window had closed by the wind.
In my mind, I went: ” Oh, perhaps this is a soft warning to close the window and avoid making a mess.”

But did I listen to myself? Of course not. My willpower, as it does so often, took over, and decided that I wanted to air out my place. So again, I opened the window and walk away.

A big noise. I hurry to the living room and find all the pots on the ground, one of them broken, with potting soil all over the wooden floor.
I instantly knew that this was a result of not applying discipline and temperance to my desire of airing out. But no distress, I am used to this now. I proceeded to clean up and mend the broken pot.

This is a great example of how observation of the environment helps to learn deep lessons, without having to go through irreversible losses and destruction that such a conflicting energies bring about.

Can’t help but feeling touched by grace.